How submissive is submissive?

[Mike Schaeffer]

Yeah, what Sarah said

OK, grab a seat....

While I may use "sub" or "submissive" occasionally I use those words liberally. The girls I was with were spankees but far from true subs at all, although they had some tendencies. I also use "dom" or "dominant" loosely for the same reasons.

I am a dom or top. I happen to be a spanker. I don't enjoy being spanked, or rather it doesn't do anything for me. Physically, emotionally and mentally I ignore pain (I send my mind somewhere else or go inside a ball) and even being hit with a paddle, strap, cane etc (short of somebody going insane on me) would be hard to bring to a level I didn't "float away" from.

Every now and then I'll mention "points". My spanking relationships were mostly based on a "naughty points" system if you will. Both myself and the other person I was with agreed upon everything to do with this. Some things could "earn" a spanking and other times there were several smaller things that added together for a spanking. It was never real points like "you got 5 points for breaking a dish" or anything like that, it was just misbehavior kept track of. It was all discussed before a punishment took place and generally agreed that she had misbehaved and deserved a spanking. Sometimes she would "tell on" herself and tell me she thought she deserved a spanking. In this matter though, I had the "final word".

I use "final word" liberally also and I think that everyone here would agree that it's not Supreme Court Decision final. For example I never had a girl break up with me and said "That's bad and you're getting spanked.". I don't think anybody on here with the final word would try to spank someone who seriously and emphatically said "No!". I mean those who get spanked on here may say "Damn I got spanked with the bathbrush earlier and it stung like mad" but nobody comes on and says "I got beat with a brush earlier today and i'm scared, what should I do? He/she might be coming back, should I call the police?". If that were the case it would move from our world in to the range of assault/domestic violence.

I've met submissive girls in the true sense who wanted me to tell them what to wear, what to eat, who they could talk to, etc. I'm naturally dominant and I'm used to having to be in charge or take over in a crisis, and while I may enjoy some small dom things (like "making" my GF hand me her panties at a restaraunt when she's wearing a skirt ) I want a partner to share with, not someone I'm truly in complete control of. I enjoy my part of the power exchange, but my partner has to enjoy their part at least as much or it will never work. I couldn't be happy with someone who did this for me, but didn't enjoy it. Having "power" over some things can be a turn on for me, but I never want to dominate someones will.

I'm a spanker yes, but anybody that truly knows me also knows that I never have and never will hit a woman out of anger. I won't even spank if I'm angry. I am completely against domestic assault weather it's emotional, mental or physical. In this case I would never spank someone "against their will". This is something that has to be between both parties.

I think "our kink" has to have fantasy on both parts for it to exist. I don't think anybody here is battered or a batterer. So while some may go farther than others, it's still in the fantasy world. The people here are still functional and (mostly ) rational and whether top or bottom have something they share with a partner. So whether it's a "need" or just a "want" it's something enjoyed or at least comforting on some level to all of us.

[liz]

Mike that was an excellent and clarifying post. I definitely do not see anyone here as abusers!! And if the person didn't want to stay they wouldn't.

It does seem to me that some people are out of the "play" behavior and this is more serious in the sense that the believe it helps them in some way to be a better person. But I have never confused this with being nonconsensual. Perhaps in the details it might be, but it is still consensual in the way that they have and continue to hold the relationship.

Yes I see this as a trade off of being in control to some extent. Not just of the spankee. I think this is what is highly confusing to vanillas.

Someone told me to be careful. Well yes, I am way way way careful. Since I have only one time been in any relationship that had any amt of spanking in it. Most guys I have met believe it is wrong-- I think even though (and perhaps partly because) I like it.

--liz

[Mike Schaeffer]

Originally Posted by liz

Mike that was an excellent and clarifying post. I definitely do not see anyone here as abusers!! And if the person didn't want to stay they wouldn't.

Someone told me to be careful. Well yes, I am way way way careful. Since I have only one time been in any relationship that had any amt of spanking in it. Most guys I have met believe it is wrong-- I think even though (and perhaps partly because) I like it.

--liz

There are always odd balls and crazies, but for the most part spankos are just spankos. And it is important to be careful and safe. In a couple situation everything has to be agreed upon, if there are "set rules and behavior" for the spankee there has to be for the spanker as well or the whole thing will never be a "functional" spanking relationship. I've been in many vanilla relationships with women who had no interest in spanking even when i brought it up to them and so no spanking ever happened. I would never spank or dominate someone against their will nor would I tolerate it if I knew about it.

On a personal note.... I have never and will never be physically abusive to a woman. I'm offended by the very idea of that happening and can tell you that as a former Law Enforcement Officer I will step in without hesitation and put a stop to any domestic abuse I see, even at personal risk or the danger of arrest. That was a difficult part for me to get past, but that's all stuff that I had to deal with on a personal level. There are lines that can never be crossed and again it all has to be about understanding; comfort and, more importantly, trust between the spanker and spankee.

If the right conditions don't exist the two people need to find others that are more i tune with their needs / desires.