Crying

[persephone]

i don't usually cry from release with spankings. i remember crying twice after punishments. once it was because my owner walked away right after spanking me-- he was just giving me a minute to wind down, but i thought he was getting ready to go out as if nothing had just happened (it was a spontaneous spanking for defiant behavior, not something pre-planned). i burst into tears-- only to find out that he was planning on plenty of debriefing and aftercare and was only stepping away (less than 10 feet away in fact) for a moment. the second time was after i had to self-spank while on the phone with him. it was awful and i didn't feel better afterward so i cried.

after my recent (and debatably only) truly physically severe punishment, i did not cry at all. i think this was because it was so physically challenging-- i was focusing on getting through it. if the emotional intensity matched the physical intensity then maybe it would have happened but i'm not sure.

i am a person who feels very strongly with everything that i feel (not in a manic-depressive way, just in a passionate way), and i have always cried very easily. i like the idea of crying from a spanking not because i feel the need for a clean slate or a release or forgiveness, but because for me it marks a level of emotional intensity that i really like to get inside of. real, involuntary crying shows extreme vulnerability, and in my relationship we play with that a lot and it appeals to me.

[sarah thorne]

Originally Posted by persephone

real, involuntary crying shows extreme vulnerability, and in my relationship we play with that a lot and it appeals to me.

This appeals to me as well - but is also incredibly terrifying for me. It also shows a loss of control, and control is something in virtually all areas of my life that I try to maintain. My struggle with crying, or NOT crying, is deeply psychological and I have pondered quite at length for years over it.

Shall I give the short answer or long answer....?

Short answer is this: I resist crying at all costs. I resist expressing emotion to a great degree, and crying is an extreme form of emotion expression.

I like the idea of being able to cry freely without care of how vulnerable it makes me.

I don't believe I have ever really cried after a spanking. I have been tearful - and RG defines this as crying - but when I think of crying, I think of --- well, crying. lol. Sobs. Not necessarily hysterical, but sobbing and free flowing tears. In the rare times that I have cried by my own definition, I have been careful not to do it unless I was alone - and usually for very emotionally wrenching reasons, or because I feel a lack of control in a certain area of my life with no obvious way to regain that control.

Allowing the few tears to fall that I have has been a tremendous step - but as for feeling any kind of release or such from crying -- Nope, hasn't happened.

sarah