Tears and Spanking

[sarah thorne]

To cry, for me, is exceedingly scary because it exposes me, and makes me vulnerable. For me, with my personality type (ISTJ), any kind of emotional response to situations is a rarity. I fight outward emotional responses (not just related to spanking, but in most situations : happy, sad, content, satisfied) mightily. In my perception, it gives others power when they know what they can/can not do to make me happy, sad, hurt, etc. For reasons not fully yet understood by me, this vulnerability puts me at an emotional disadvantage and makes me extremely uncomfortable. Altho I know intellectually that crying does not make one weak (I don't view people who cry as 'weak'), I personally feel weak if I allow tears, or emotional response. Like I can't control myself and that makes me weak if I can't control my responses.

Therefore, tears come with complete and total trust in someone that they will not use the knowledge of what makes me cry to my detriment. I struggled a lot with the urge to cry with RG. I still have problems with doing it freely, but tears come more easily in certain situations with him, including some spanking situations. Many times it is due to an emotional response that is simply released by the pain of a spanking. And there are still many times where I hold back. I've never sobbed; I usually jut have a few tears sliding down, but for me that is a HUGE deal.

And he makes me look at him, too, so he can see, which is the hardest thing for me to do. It's one thing to cry into the bedspread where he can't see my face (even if he knows I am doing it), but another thing to actually have him see me when I am doing it.

sarah