Memories of childhood spankings by parents

[Adelina]

It is difficult for me to read childhood stories, but it's not because they're offensive or inappropriate. I know that I am particularly sensitive to the subject and am in the minority. I don't remember a single home spanking incident of mine; the only episode in my home I can visualize is my mom grabbing and beating the hell out of my sister with a flyswatter, then later the two of us talking and trying to figure out what had set Mom off, which was often a mystery. I don't recall any specific deeds, only that Mom Was Mad. I grew up believing that spanking was a way for parents to vent anger and frustration.

When I read statements saying someone is grateful for childhood discipline, or that it was done from love, I feel a little ill, only because I cannot wrap my head around this concept. The "L" word was not used in my house. I still feel uncomfortable being around my parents, feel disgusting when they hug me, and will not leave my preschool-aged daughter alone with them.

I do believe that my parents' attitudes were not intentionally malicious. They did a lot of things right, took us to lots of activities and were attentive to medical/dental care and always had the fridge full. But they have difficulties with emotions and relationships, and we were caught in the crossfire.