Terms Of Endearment

[BlackVelvet007]

Recently, while talking to a spankee, I used the phrase "Good Girl" when she told me something positive in her life (either an accomplishment or just something good that happened). I was called on the carpet for it because it sounded "condescending". This happened with more than one person, so I thought it'd make a good discussion topic.

I certainly never intended it to be derogatory or condescending. To me, it was a term of endearment being given to someone I care for a lot. But it made me realize that I do tend to use a lot of terms of endearment which could be considered in a negative view. I tend to address play partners as "sweetie" a lot. All of my play partners are intelligent, rational women who are just as smart, if not smarter, than I am. That doesn't stop me from using the terms I mentioned.

I think most of it comes from my interactions with my own family. Even at 37, my parents still address me with a lot of cutesy kiddie names. I just write it off under the thought that no matter HOW old you are (college graduation, marriage, kids of your own), you will ALWAYS be a young child in your parents' eyes. Those of you who have children of your own, and those of you whose parents are still with you in this world, I'm betting can relate to that.

So how about it folks? Tops, do you address spankees with similar terms of endearment? Does it sometimes garner negative feedback?
Spankees, your thoughts on this are most welcome.

[Batman]

Not only do I do this with spankees, I tend to do it with all female friends. It's just so natural to me because of the respect I have for women. It seems so strange that something that I use out of respect and love gets twisted by some into something demeaning. I'm curious to hear what the girls have to say on this subject.

[Arianna]

I am a very strong, confident, professional woman who enjoys the endearments (true Libra), not to mention the (HUGGGGS), and being called a "girl" as a form of endearment doesn't make me any less an adult "woman." Endearments (in the vanilla world) are often reserved for people who are very familiar with each other, but here at MSF, I've quickly learned that even new members are embraced in the circle or family very quickly (it has been a great experience).

I think it really has to do with each person's level of comfort (did the person grow up with parents who used them, did someone use endearments and then betray that person's trust, is this person/persons continually striving to be respected/recognized as an adult woman or an equal among men...too many scenarios to list). I can only speak for myself and "speculate" why others might have a different reaction.

There are too many other things for me to be disgruntled over...like, why do I ALWAYS get caught by the radar trap when I'm late for work and why were we not informed in Lamaze class about how to parent teenagers (labor was much easier and we would have had several year to prepare the this stage...I can do this, I can do this, I can do this)! I needed to vent...lol

One thing I've learned over the years...men are very simple creatures and don't over analyze, they just say and move on (they require just a few things in life to be content and happy...you know what I'm talking about ladies), we women are the complex creatures (coming home and saying things like, "I'm lonely", "you never talk to me", "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you" - yes, count me in as guilty of all three at one time or another...lol

Personally, I enjoy the endearments...so keep it up...you keep me feeling young (at least at heart)!! Arianna

[newell.keith@yahoo.com]

yo bv engissh with stupid name here, if a girl willing to bend over wher you order her to and thats cndescending in its slf but v good fun lol, wy have a problem with my girl or my dear ? i 38 only 1 year older than you , !so as spankers what we meant to say ? i have to say this is only spank site im on and is is th most friend liest !

[sarah thorne]

In our community, these terms of endearment are "part" of it, I think. It seems very common for Tops to address bottoms playfully, or sweetly, as "sweetie" or "young lady" (ooooo shiver) or "girl" when they would NEVER do so to the odd acquaintance or passing stranger.

And even in the scene, if someone used the term "girl" with me, or "sweetie" in a way that WAS condescending, then I would be upset. I have seen this happen when a Top is rejected by a bottom for play, or he feels she has shown him up in some way, and it will be used to insult and try to intimidate rather than be said with affection.

Personally, I really, really like these affectionate terms, even from people I may not know well and both in a vanilla context and kink context. And nearly every bottom I have talked to enjoys these terms in kink related activities. There have been threads on multiple forums about which terms really send shivers up your spine, and "little girl" or "young lady" are the top contenders.

I am all for respect of limits. Even the most fundamental of feminists should be able to see that someone using the terms with affection (especially within our community where the T/b and D/s undertone is prevalent) do not meant to be insulting. And if one is insulted, or does not like it, then that's when you pull the person aside and say, "you know, I know you don't mean it in this way but I really find the term 'sweetie' offensive and condescending. Could you please not address me that way?"

The fact of the matter is, what one finds offensive, others will not. So it's important (I think) to communicate your own personal preferences to someone if they cross one of YOUR lines than to make a generalization and say, "You sound condescending when you call people 'sweetie'." Cuz the fact is, some DO like it.

sarah

[swfloridabrat]

I agree that most consider such terms as part of the scene. I had a Top refer to himself as "Daddy" with me, which made me uncomfortable. At the end of the scene, I asked him to please not call himself that in relation to me....no big deal (esp. since I know he mentors alot of women). Personally, if a Top calls me "young lady", I feel no reluctance in addressing him as "old man"....(tongue-or hand-firmly in/on cheek, of course)!