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In our community, these terms of endearment are "part" of it, I think. It seems very common for Tops to address bottoms playfully, or sweetly, as "sweetie" or "young lady" (ooooo shiver) or "girl" when they would NEVER do so to the odd acquaintance or passing stranger.
And even in the scene, if someone used the term "girl" with me, or "sweetie" in a way that WAS condescending, then I would be upset. I have seen this happen when a Top is rejected by a bottom for play, or he feels she has shown him up in some way, and it will be used to insult and try to intimidate rather than be said with affection.
Personally, I really, really like these affectionate terms, even from people I may not know well and both in a vanilla context and kink context. And nearly every bottom I have talked to enjoys these terms in kink related activities. There have been threads on multiple forums about which terms really send shivers up your spine, and "little girl" or "young lady" are the top contenders.
I am all for respect of limits. Even the most fundamental of feminists should be able to see that someone using the terms with affection (especially within our community where the T/b and D/s undertone is prevalent) do not meant to be insulting. And if one is insulted, or does not like it, then that's when you pull the person aside and say, "you know, I know you don't mean it in this way but I really find the term 'sweetie' offensive and condescending. Could you please not address me that way?"
The fact of the matter is, what one finds offensive, others will not. So it's important (I think) to communicate your own personal preferences to someone if they cross one of YOUR lines than to make a generalization and say, "You sound condescending when you call people 'sweetie'." Cuz the fact is, some DO like it.
sarah
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