I'm new...with questions...
 

i'm new to this site, and relatively new to the "scene" as it were (i've only been spanked three times in my adult life and all of those experiences have taken place this past month)...although, i've been interested in spanking for as long as i can remember.

i'm married to a man who is NOT interested, and i'm wondering if anyone else is/has been in a similar situation? any tips for a successful conversion?

AnnaP, I think I can understand your feeling as I am in the same boat. I am not sure it is possible to change someone into something they are not.

so...do you just live with it?

I am still struggling with it. I am not sure if I will stay in the relationship due to my interests in spanking, or find the grass is or is not greener on the other side. Being that I am very unsure to leave a life I know behind without knowing what lies ahead is tough. I have other difficulties within my marrage that we are working on, and if these do not work out I know what I will be looking for. Some of our problems stem from my inerest and do not know. So basically for now yes I do just live with it. I do know there are other people that stay in these relationship, but explore the spanking outside of thier marriage.
Basically I can not tell you what I am doing or advise you as I am very confused at the time about this.

Anna, I think you'll find that the vanilla partner issue is one of the biggest connundrums our community faces. Especially for those who were married before they found others via the internet.

A lot carry the opinion that you can't convert someone into a spanko, maybe even most. There have been a few sucessful stories, though. Usually it comes with a lot of honesty and open communication. At the very least, in a loving and trusting relationship, the vanilla may at least try to entertain your desires, even if they don't understand. Some are closet spankos, and you might just awaken something fierce (in the good way!) inside.

Good luck, with whatever may happen!

Oh yeah, and welcome...

thanks for the insight...and for the welcome!

unfortunately, he's responded coldly when i've discussed it with him recently...

it's frustrating, b/c although i've had my first few experiences recently...the desire is strong and i really want to be pushed farther...can't a girl just get a spanking? is that too much to ask?! ;)

Anna what everyone is saying is pretty on point. You will find many people in the Scene who are playing outside of thier marriges becasue thier partners are not into it. I have had this situation for the entire time I have been into spanking, the fornuate thing for me is that in most my partners addepted my spanking interests. However I knew it was due to thier desires to please me. But, this only happens becasue I am open from the start about my interest and how it plays out in my life...positively and negatively.

It's a fact of life that many people come upon this lifestyle after being in committed relationships. So it makes it difficult on both parties because in most cases thses are people who truely love each other who must now make a choice about how they fullfill each others needs and desires in a lifestyle that they very ofetn only know or percieve as taboo.

I will say that most of my relationships ended becasue of spanking but of the same natural causes as any realationship does. I am convinced that you can never truely turn someone into a Spanking enthusiast. And if you push and they relent it will only cause resentment and do more harm than good.

If your desire is so striong that you feel a choice will need to be made...I also believe that as someone thouched on if the realationship is in trouble it usually has more to do with may things other than someones spanking interest. But like anything it could become an easy flash point of blame.

So, take a long look at why you have a desire to live an open Spanking Lifestyle and how strong your love and commitment to your partner are before making hard ireversible decisons.I truely hope you find a way to make things work...just approach with open eyes and an open heart.

thanks so much!

I identify, too
 

Hello, AnnaP , Hey, I am another person who identifies with you as my wife would never understand the spanking lifestyle. I have met with a few others when possible, and I do not engage in the sexual aspect of it because I am married. I'd love to find someone like you close that I could share this with, and just keep it simple, but is anything simple anymore?

Welcome aboard Anna. Nice to have you here. I wish I had advice to share, but I do know a lot of folks here sympathize and will hopefully have answers for you.

I too have a vanilla husband--well, in the spanko sense, at least. He's actually a bottom within a different fetish category, but is not the least bit interested in spanking. He does, however, understand my need, and is open to me exploring on my own. He's even given pre-emptive forgiveness should anything get out of control and go too far, though I don't intend for that to happen. He's just too important to me.

This type of partner seems to be a very rare breed, and I know that I am extremely lucky to have him. Given the disposable view that many modern people have of marriage, a lot of folks don't find it unreasonable to give up a vanilla partnership in order to seek a spanko replacement. Not that I'm not realistic; for sure, divorce is at times very well-merited, and it's a big step for women to have a way out of marriages that our predecessors were doomed to endure.

It's worth looking at what attracted you to this person in the first place, especially if the kink wasn't involved. There must have been something which connected you. Then, the task is to weigh these things and decide which is more important, more meaningful and fulfilling for you. It's very possible that you could find the spanko man of your dreams... only to discover that he too leaves the toilet seat up and won't take out the garbage. Reality can be a real downer.

I don't want people to be stuck in a relationship that isn't good. But be sure to take time and make sure that what you're giving up is worth the risk of not finding something better.

thanks...and, for the record...i'm really not looking to leave my husband...

AnnaP,

First off, welcome to MSF.

Your question is an age-old dilemna. The answers given to you so far seem to reflect what the majority of folks think. A lot of us have been in your exact situation. I for one have had this happen more than once in my life and it never gets easier. Most of us have not been as fortunate as Adelina, who has a partner who is very open to pursuing this interest. I do agree with her take on it though. Different people handle it different ways.

When we all figure this one out, we'll co-write a book and make lots of money!


Gary

I Know I would be first in line to buy if it is ever wrote ;)

I wanted to add another angle that I missed in my earlier post. You asked about conversion; while it's possible, don't get your heart set on it. If you're lucky, he'll come around and humor your preferences; but if he's not a "born" spanko, he probably won't ever have it oozing through his pores the way we do. It sounds like he's not real keen on the idea, so you'll have to tread pretty lightly and ease into the idea.

I recall reading an article on how to convert your vanilla partner, but I cannot remember where. If I find it, I'll let you know.

I would caution against putting too much pressure on the issue. Since consent is such a big issue within our community, I feel it's only fair to extend that same courtesy to the vanillas in our lives, and not pressure people to do things that really make them uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure that if I whined enough or really demanded it, my husband would go along with me on my spanko ride; but I know how much it disturbs him and turns him off, and that makes it pretty unenjoyable for me, since I feed on the enthusiasm of my partner.

Welcome, Anna. I agree with what everyone else is saying about the conversion idea. I have a friend who was so vanilla that even when his girlfriend was "curious" didn't want to take part in "hurting" her. So, she turned to my partner and myself to fulfill her curiosities. Oddly, after she decided she wasn't really interested, he started to swat her. I still don't think he'd give her a full-blown spanking though.

HI Anna! I too have been interested in spanking most of my life. My spouse ,as yours,...not interested. She has tried it with me a few times. Didn't seem into it. I've found a few who seem very willing to give it to me good but I usually chicken out. After all it is the internet, you never know withstrangers. eventually ill go through with it though. :p